Flight or Fight ?
by lycanus1
Summary: Clint finally admits defeat and comes to an impulsive and probably fatal decision. One that shocks both Maria and Loki to the core … *WARNING: AU & very o.o.c. Rated for strong language. Part 4 of the "Fated" verse.*


**Summary: **Clint finally admits defeat and comes to an impulsive and probably fatal decision. One that shocks both Maria and Loki to the core …  
*WARNING: AU & very o.o.c. Rated for strong language. Part 4 of the "Fated" verse.*

**Disclaimer: **Everything recognizable belongs to Paramount Pictures, Marvel Entertainment & Marvel Studios (godsdamnit !) - though my gut tells me Clint has his own ideas about that. As for Loki ? Hel ! He's a god and a law unto himself … No copyright infringement is intended.

**Warning: **AU & probably o.o.c. C_ontains unrequited slashy feels and strong language._

**AN: **Sequel to_**"Sanctuary." **_

_**XXXXXXXXX**_

**Flight or Fight ?**

**Three months later …**

_**Maria's pov:**_

"Hey ! Barton ! Wait up ..." I yelled as I saw a familiar, stockily-built figure blindly weave its way through the crowd, towards the exit of the bar where Tash and I were currently hanging out after a successful mission. Even from the distance where I stood nursing my shot glass, I could instantly tell something was wrong. He was distracted ... and extremely upset. And I had a horrible feeling what - or rather _who_ \- was to blame for my friend and colleague's current frame of mind. Clint seemed preoccupied and when he didn't respond, I realized that he hadn't heard me. Concerned, I placed my empty vodka glass down on the bar counter and quickly followed him.

"Hey ! Iowa ! Where's the goddamn frickin' fire ?" I asked once I'd closed the gap between us. His agile, sinewy frame instantly froze as soon as the words began to leave my mouth and I couldn't fail to be aware of the increasing tension within him. "Clint ... ? What's up ? Talk to me ... Maybe I can hel- "

Slowly - reluctantly - he turned towards me. Strong, powerful shoulders slumped; head bowed. An image of dejection and misery if I ever saw one.

"Help ?" he laughed bitterly and without any trace of humour. "That's a fucking laugh ... If you're trying to be funny, Illinois, then ..." Clint slowly shook his head in disbelief.

"Oh, Clint ..." I replied softly, running a tired hand through my dark mane. "There's no way in hell I'd do that to you and you damn well know it. Hell ! You're one of my closest friends, for crying out loud ... Something's eating away at you and I just want to help, if you'll let me ..."

Something in the tone of my voice must have got through to him, as he finally raised his head and briefly met my gaze. I was immediately struck by the intensity of suffering and anguish that clouded his astute, blue-grey eyes. Then, before I could read any more into it, Clint quickly looked away. Anywhere, except at me. And that was when I knew exactly who was responsible for his pain. My best friend. The one I thought of as a brother. Loki.

"Shit ... I'm so sorry- "

"Why ... ?" Clint's husky voice rasped, brokenly. "Why the fuck should you be sorry ? You've done nothing to apologize for. Brought it all down on myself. There's no one to blame for this 'cept me. Should never have let myself get in so deep ... To fall for him. Someone who's never going to feel the same way about me. I screwed up, Maria. Big time ..."

Clint ran a trembling hand down his face, then over his scalp, further ruffling the already spiky, sandy mop he called hair. "I ... I, uh ... I can't do this any more ... It just fucking hurts so goddamn much ... Seeing him ... being around him 'n' not being with him." He paused and inhaled raggedly. "Well, no more. I'm done. I'm outta here. There's only so much a guy can take 'n' ... 'n' I've reached my fucking limit. I'm heading out. Tonight."

His unexpected confession stunned me and I grasped his forearm tightly. "You're bullshitting me ... right ?"

He effortlessly broke free of the hold I had on him and looked at me sadly before replying huskily, "Do I look like I'm joking, Maria ? Don't have a choice, I have to do this. For my sanity's sake. I need to think of me for once, y'know ? Put myself first ... otherwise, I'll just go crazy. Well, crazier than I already am. 'Sides, I've been his crutch for the last coupla months ... ever since that crap with Thor 'n' that Foster broad. Supported him. Cared for him. Been there 'n' dropped everything for him. It's time for me to break away from all this dumb shit. Like I originally planned. Before it all kicked off. But I was too blind. Too stupid. Too in love to do it. I can see things more clearly now 'n' he doesn't need me any more. There's no point being here."

"Clin- "

He smiled sadly at me. "Don't even try it, Illinois- "

"What ?" I replied softly, feigning innocence, which Clint was clearly aware of. He may be a fool in love, but he definitely wasn't a man easily duped by a little play acting. He raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"Don't even think of stopping me. My mind's made up. There's nothing to keep me here. Not now. 'Sides, I've got some work lined up ... in Kabul ... 'n' I need to be able to concentrate on it. Can't do that when I'm here. Not when Loki's on my mind 24-7. At least if I'm away, there's no visible reminders … no distractions- "

"Bu- " I began to protest. Yup, I was definitely worried. Iowa wasn't in a fit state to go anywhere. Not the way his heart and mind kept messing with him ... and especially now that I knew he was headed for one of the most dangerous regions in the world.

"Maria-"

"Are you sure you're up to this ? Definitely up to this ? 'Cause you don't have to- " I demanded as silent panic began to transform into rapidly escalating fear.

I couldn't help but wonder if Tash knew of his, well … ill-thought and frankly, suicidal decision. Something told me that she probably didn't, otherwise she would've done everything and anything to dissuade him from bolting. 'Cause that's what this dumb decision was. Clint was using a goddamn mission of all things as an excuse to fly the coop. A knee jerk reaction to the tortuous and heart-breaking situation he was in. And even a blind man could see Clint's torment. Being near the man he loved on a daily basis yet denied what he truly wanted … the closeness and intimacy he longed for with the green-eyed Trickster. And all because Loki couldn't or rather wouldn't see what was in front of him …

Loki had changed … and not for the better. He was broken and that was all down to that moron Thor's betrayal. Trust wasn't something Loki gave easily. For Loki to do so, his trust had to be fought for and won. And to be among one of the select few who'd been deigned worthy of it, it was an honour and a privilege to be a part of that elite group … one that Loki had surprisingly, bestowed upon Natasha, Clint and myself.

But once that implicit faith was broken as Thor had clearly done, it was gone for good. Lost forever. Loki had remained true to his word when he'd stated that the Thunderer was dead to him. He'd effectively cut the blond Asgardian out of his life and all attempts by Thor to regain that trust and force himself back in Loki's good graces were unsuccessful. Loki was having none of it much to Thor's chagrin.

Clint shrugged his broad shoulders and evasively ducked his head so that I couldn't read the expression on his face.

"Honestly ? No. But I have to be ... I need this, Maria or I'll end up stir-crazy over here- "

I bit my lip. This was getting to be too much. Too soon. And the way I was acting clearly wasn't me. It wasn't the cold, heartless uber-bitch reputation I infamously had at work. I didn't get this emotional ... this terrified when my colleagues were sent out on missions. So, why the fuck was I freaking out so badly now ? And then it hit me. I was losing the plot, because Clint was a good friend and I actually genuinely cared about his welfare. Especially when the odds of him returning from Kabul in relatively one piece were probably next to nothing. If anything, it was practically a given he'd be coming home in a body bag, considering how distracted he was right now …

"Clint, no ... don't do it. Don't take this mission. Not right now, when you're hurting so bad."

"Maria, I need thi- "

"Listen … if you need a mission to distract you from all this mayhem Loki's created, take an easier one. How about Havana ? There's that post in Columbia, or shit ... what about Cairo ? Anywhere but Kabul, please ..."

"Take care of yourself, Maria. Yeah ? See you around ..." And before I could react - before I could stop or even hug him - he'd silently slipped through the door and disappeared into the night.

_**XXXXX**_

Five minutes later, the root of all of Clint's problems sauntered up to me, his arm snugly wrapped around the waist of what I called one of his "Action Men."

Ever since he'd dumped Thor for cheating on him with Jane, Loki, shockingly, had gone completely off the rails. He'd changed. And this was just another in the long line of huge, blond, muscle-bound cretins he'd taken to using and screwing. Whether he cared or was oblivious of his intentions, I'm fucked if I know. All I knew was that Loki was determined to lose himself in continuous, mindless sex in order to forget the pain he still suffered, yet stubbornly continued to try and hide. And although I understood his motives, deep down I knew it wasn't doing him any good and would only lead him into a world of grief, if he wasn't careful.

And then there was Clint. Poor, miserable, bastard ...

Clint had unswervingly stuck by our Trickster through it all. He'd become Loki's most loyal friend, defending him to the hilt - even when Loki was being an arrogant, full-on little shit, which, if I'm honest, was 99% of the time - and made him smile when he was feeling down. Clint had selflessly put his own feelings aside, to be a rock for my oblivious friend. He continued to be in love with Loki despite everything. Even though Loki's unintentional flirting teased and tormented him and slowly broke his heart every single day. And now, Loki'd unwittingly lost the best thing that could ever have happened to him ... not knowing he had him in the first place. And Clint, misguided fool that he was, had never intended for him to know ...

"Hey ! Seen Clint anywhere ?" he drawled, ignoring the clingy, blond he-man nuzzling his throat.

Great ! I thought. Just fucking great ... He convinces Iowa to go on a "bro's night out" and virtually ignores the poor bastard as soon as some nameless ape-man drags him off by the dick for sex ... and just when Clint's found the nerve to think of himself for once and leave, Loki decides he misses him. So fucking typical of the prick.

"He's gone ..." I muttered, feeling pissed on Clint's behalf. I glared at the sniggering himbo, who'd slipped his hand inside Loki's fitted black shirt and was possessively stroking his abs. "Look, lose the goddamn limpet, Loki ... We need to talk. About Clint ..."

"What about Clint ?" he demanded coolly, not moving an inch. I was beginning to lose my patience and sighed heavily.

"Outside, Laufeyson ... Now ! That's an order !" To my annoyance, the blond began to follow and because he didn't take the hint, I snapped at him. Angrily. "This is a private matter between my man here and me. You're not invited, dumbass. So take a fucking hike. Get lost. Yeah ?" And before he could string two words together, I grabbed Loki by his shirt collar and hauled him through the door, where I could talk to him without interruption. Stumbling outside, I shoved him against a wall and silently glared at him.

"What the fuck, Maria ... ?" Loki growled, his green eyes narrowing angrily. "What the Hel's going on ? And what the fuck d'ya mean Clint's "gone" ? He wouldn't leave without saying something ... Without talking to me ..."

"Oh, get over yourself, Loke. Quit being a jerk 'n' have a fucking heart- "

"What d'ya mean by that ? Have a heart ... ?"

I inhaled deeply and silently counted to ten. God ! At times, Loki could really piss me off ... and this happened to be one of those times. "Are you being deliberately stupid or what, Loki ? Time 'n' time again over the past few months, Clint's dropped everything to support you. The guy's been there for you when you needed someone. Had your back ... And he's done it willingly, 'cause he loves you- "

Loki carded slim fingers through his long, thick, blue-black hair. "And I love him. He's been a really good friend- "

"Jeez ! You're a moron, Laufeyson. Clint didn't just do all that out of friendship. He did it out of love. And you're too fucking blind to see it. The man's _in_ love with you. Has been crazy about you since lord knows when ... and you never fucking noticed," I stated bluntly then kicked myself for inadvertently revealing Clint's secret. The one I'd sworn to keep from Loki. But the damn fool had exasperated me so much, that I messed up and allowed my tongue to run away from me. I groaned inwardly for betraying something I'd vowed to keep to myself and now, thanks to my carelessness, I'd mentioned it to the one person who wasn't supposed to know. Apprehensively, I eyed Loki carefully for a reaction.

He looked stunned and seemed even paler, if it was at all possible, than he usually appeared.

"I ... I never knew ... Maria, I swear, I didn't know ..."

"You weren't supposed to, shit-for-brains ! Clint never intended for you to find out," I replied quietly. "Didn't want you to know."

"I-I don't understand." For once, my usually confident, self-assured best friend looked bewildered and clearly out of his depth. "Why didn't he say something, for Norns' sake ? Why couldn't he talk to me instead of bottling it all up for so long ?"

I shrugged. "You were too wrapped up in Thor to see anything. He blinded you. And Clint, poor sap, decided that he'd rather be your friend than not have you in his life ... I know you weren't aware that he loves you, but you've fucking hurt him, Loki. Deeply. It's like you whistle and like a loyal mutt, he comes running. As soon as he gets here, you ignore him for the next in a long line of interchangeable dicks. No wonder Clint finally snapped and left- "

"I never meant to do that to him. Never. I swear on my life ... on my moth- on Frigga's life, I didn't." At least Loki had the decency to look remorseful. That he genuinely regretted what he'd done. "I didn't know, Maria, that he felt this way about me. If I had ... maybe I'd ... Maybe I'd've handled things better. Dealt with things a little more sensitively. Not rubbed his nose in it and messed with these guys in front of him ..."

He suddenly struck the door with his fist. Hard. He turned to face me, his green eyes rueful. "Did he say where he was going ? Was he headed for the Tower ... or home ?"

I shook my head slowly. "Nope. All I know is that he's leaving. Tonight. That he's flying out on a mission ... to Kabul ..." I heard the dull thud of his fist connecting with the door once more.

"Shit ! I screwed up, didn't I ? Really fucked up. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Clint ... but I still wound up doing it. Valhalla ! I'm such a bloody idiot. A real fucking bastard ..."

"You said it, Loki," I murmured unsympathetically, stuffing my hands into the front pockets of my jeans and watching him calmly. Loki can be a royal pain in the ass and a major asshole, but I've learnt he's usually the first to admit when he's in the wrong. And now he was seriously beating himself up for what he'd done. For unwittingly hurting someone who genuinely cared for him. Someone who loved him unreservedly. He reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his cell and began to scroll down his contacts list, chewing his lower lip anxiously as he did so.

He paced impatiently as he waited for a reply then began to cuss up a storm. "Hell ! Damn voicemail ..." Loki ran an agitated hand through his dark mane and muttered furiously. "D'ya remember anything he said ? Any clue where he was headed ?"

I nodded and suggested he try his old place. Loki immediately rang the number, spoke softly, it sounded as if he were pleading and after waiting for a minute, hung up. All trace of hope fading from his eyes to be replaced with disappointment and regret.

"What's up ?"

"Bastard's either ignoring me or he's already gone. Phone at home went straight to voicemail too. He's bolted, Maria ..." He suddenly broke off what he was about to say and a certain look appeared on his lean, handsome face. A grimly resolved one. The next thing I saw was Loki sprinting down the side-walk towards the nearest free yellow cab.

"Hey ! Ass-wipe ! Where the hell are you going ?" I shouted after him, my brow furrowed in confusion.

Loki paused, then yelled back, "Where the fuck d'ya think I'm going ? The bloody airport. Where else ? I'm going to try and talk to him. Hopefully change his mind ..." Loki turned abruptly then hailed a cab and the last thing I heard was the screech of tyres as it sped off towards the airport.

Sighing deeply, I strode back into the bar, hoping that my best friend would be able to convince Clint that he was sorry for unwittingly hurting him. And that Loki would not be returning alone ...


End file.
